How Will You Arrive at Your Desired Destination if There’s No One to Show You the Way?

Stop expecting the deadwood in your life to feed your soul

Roger Reid

Mar 22, 2023

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One of my early mentors was a man by the name of Jim Rohn.

Primarily a motivational speaker, he talked about business, relationships, and how to live a better life.

One of the things he was fond of repeating was, “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.”

The first time I heard Mr. Rohn talk about how others influence our success, I was in my late twenties, working fifty-hour weeks for the Cutler-Hammer division of Eaton Corporation.

More than committed, I was a dedicated employee, determined to achieve success by following the plan that was laid out for me.

Unfortunately, part of that plan meant forming relationships with people I had absolutely nothing in common with — with one exception: They represented the potential to buy what my company sold.

And it was my job to make sure they did.

In working with my assigned base of customers, I typically saw the same group of people several times a month.

The “business” part of my sales calls — answering technical questions, resolving competitive pricing situations, and reviewing large job quotations — was usually finished in a few minutes, leaving lots of time to talk about other things.

That meant they talked, and I listened.

Most of the time, the conversations centered on my client’s personal lives, including their out-of-control kids, the affair they hoped to keep hidden from their wife, the neighbor who intentionally let their dog poop in their yard, and a hundred other things that people need to get off their chest.

At first, I’d encouraged those conversations, learning early on that the best way to establish rapport with clients was to be a good listener.

But I quickly became their emotional dumping ground.

Lunch meetings often became impromptu therapy sessions. No, I didn’t offer any advice; I just listened and nodded my head, giving them my non-verbal assurance that I cared.

The truth?

I didn’t care. And not because I thought their problems were petty or juvenile. Rather, it was about commonality.

Their lives simply didn’t mesh with mine.

The only thing we had in common was a vendor-customer relationship created by our respective employers.

Oh sure, most of my customers were hard-working, responsible folks. But given the opportunity to shortcut their assignment, steal time or money from the company, or meet a co-worker in the copy room for a quickie, the majority were more than ready.

And they relished the opportunity to tell me about it.

At first, I found their revelations sadly disappointing. Most were skilled professionals, and I expected more from them.

“Maybe I’m being short-sighted,” I told myself. “Maybe I’m being too judgmental or making inaccurate generalizations.”

Certainly, there were other areas of their life — their hobbies, spiritual interests, parenting, or charitable work — where their passion shined. Just because they hadn’t revealed, it didn’t mean it didn’t exist.

So I began asking leading questions during our regular conversations, encouraging them to open up about their life outside of work. I hoped to hear more about the kind of activities that got them excited, brought them satisfaction, and gave their lives meaning.

The majority described the joys of a Friday afternoon happy hour, eating at expensive restaurants, and getting a great deal on the last major purchase they made.

Disheartening?

Yes. And yet, the nature of their after-work involvements made me wonder if these folks were compensating for a lack of engagement.

Maybe happy hours and conspicuous consumption were consoling substitutes for the meaning and satisfaction missing from their careers.

Believing I could bring a new perspective to their lives, I decided to offer a series of seminar-style training classes focusing on work-life balance, goal-setting, and communication — skills my clients could use both on and off the job.

I was certain a bigger-picture perspective would help them develop a new enthusiasm for their work. I even imagined my efforts might motivate some of them to take a hard look at their lives and decide to change their direction, to move from mediocrity to excellence.

Remember my early mentor, Jim Rohn? He had another saying he was fond of:

“I was determined to change them, even if it killed me. You know what? I nearly died.” — Jim Rohn

Out of the several hundred clients in my database, only four responded with interest.

The others?

Most didn’t hesitate to let me know that my after-work seminars would “be a waste of time for them.”

A few of the more outspoken took it a step further, mocking my zealous attitude toward self-improvement as a reflection of youthful naïveté.

They usually ended the conversation by attempting to convert me to the church of idle hands with a distorted perspective on retirement . . .

“Another ten, twelve, fifteen years, and then I’m free. It’s not a bad life. Put up with the company BS for thirty years, do as little as possible without getting caught, and hope you stay healthy to enjoy twenty years of paid retirement.”

That was their plan.

And at the end of the day, it left me with lots of unanswered questions.

Why had they settled for so much less? What had happened to them to make them so cynical, so susceptible to taking the easy way out? Is this what happens to all good-intentioned, motivated people after finally coming face-to-face with reality?

I took my questions to a trusted co-worker.

He’d been with the company for over twenty-five years and was a respected division manager.

“The feedback you’re getting is half right,” he told me. “You are full of youthful expectations. And some of those need to be tempered with the realities of the work arena. Not everyone is going to want what you want, or be as motivated as you are. That’s life. Recognize it and deal with it.”

I thanked him and left his office, assuring him I understood what he was trying to tell me.

But in truth, it made no sense.

How could someone willingly throw their life away?

How could they gladly let the years pass without wanting to make their life more productive and, ultimately, more rewarding?

I didn’t need a crystal ball to see the future that awaited me.

If I didn’t find an alternative source of motivation, there was a good chance I would eventually adopt the same attitude of professional stagnation that surrounded me.

I would become the one with a sad story to tell.

In twenty years, I would be the one bending the ear of anyone who would listen, talking about the dreams that never came true and the youthful aspirations I eventually abandoned as an unrealistic waste of time.

Looking back, it doesn’t take a psychologist to see my problem.

I was depending on the work environment — and on the limited number of others in that environment — to be the prime source of my professional development.

I was relying on the people and the environmental influences of my job to keep me invested in my work, and to provide the mentors I needed to fuel a continuing engagement with my profession.

But it doesn’t work that way — not as a constant.

Oh sure, you may start your career with a company that provides its employees with a mentally-stimulating atmosphere. They may even offer group brainstorming, hoping to produce thought-provoking conversations, instill higher ideals, and motivate employees to achieve the highest standards of excellence.

But as you continue to grow, sooner or later, your needs will exceed what the company can offer. Because all influenced environments have inherent limitations resulting from the need to serve the greatest number of people in the most beneficial way possible.

In practical terms, this means dumbing it down for the younger new hires while expecting the “fast-trackers” to independently seek out a more individualized source of training.

Motivation and the need for excellence in our lives is an inside job.

As individuals, we nurture excellence and bring it to our environment, not the other way around.

It’s a part of Subtle Leadership . . . taking the responsibility to change and improve the places and people we associate with because that’s the only way it’s going to happen.

How do you personally implement a program of independent discovery and learning?

For me, it happened by accident.

A friend asked me to attend an Intro to est seminar. I had no idea what est was. I’d never heard of Werner Erhard. But those two hours in a downtown Denver hotel meeting room turned me into a seminar junkie.

After attending the full, two-weekend est training, I moved on to LifeSpring, PSI World, The Forum, and several Tony Robbins’ pieces of training.

Next, I committed to purchasing a monthly audio program from Nightingale Conant. At the time, they were the leading producer of self-help programs. From speed reading and public speaking to the psychology of leadership, they offered a huge variety of topics and speakers.

No one will care more about your personal development than you.

Being dependent on your employer, workplace, co-workers, or supervisor to furnish an idealized environment, customized for your specific needs, is taking a huge risk with your future.

I emphasize your future because a life filled with regret won’t be any easier to rationalize by blaming your employer.

On-the-job nurturing and development are not necessarily about being with your own kind. Nor is it about an occupation or a specific company. Employment brings together people of different backgrounds, education, values, and priorities.

The key is to determine the specific curriculum you need to move you to the next personal and professional level, then commit to completing it.

Today, there are audio books, blogs, podcasts, videos, and web-based courses on just about any subject you can imagine. Many of them are free!

There’s no reason — and no excuse — for putting your personal development on hold, or ignoring your need for a source of intelligent and relevant ideas and concepts.

The Takeaway . . .

Your environment is a key influencer in your efforts to maximize your potential. And if you’re fortunate enough to work for an employer that supports in-house personal development, great!

But job offers, promotions, and advancements don’t always come pre-packaged with professional imperatives based on excellence and effective life philosophy.

You often have to go out and get it yourself. Because no one but you has the responsibility for how much success and satisfaction you ultimately experience.

That’s why it’s called personal development.

“If you work hard on your job you’ll make a living. If you work hard on yourself you can make a fortune. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.” — Jim Rohn

Thanks for reading,

Roger Reid

Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is a certified NLP trainer with degrees in engineering and business. Roger is the author of Better Mondays and Speak Up, and host of Success Point 360 Podcast, offering tips and strategies for achieving higher levels of career success and personal fulfillment in the real world.