We All Fantasize About Having Sex with Someone Else. But What Happens When the Fantasy Goes Too Far?

If your spouse died tomorrow, do you have someone in mind to replace them?

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

Ever thought about replacing your spouse?

Maybe you’re unhappy with the way you’re being treated or feel like you’re being taken for granted. Or maybe, you’ve simply fallen out of love.

It happens.

Perhaps ten years ago, you were madly in love. You finished each other’s sentences. Your needs, values, and future plans were in perfect alignment.

But now? You’ve grown apart.

You’ve developed different interests and your lives have evolved in different directions. And sometimes, you have the bittersweet sense that you’re coming home to a stranger.

Oh sure, you know how they like their eggs cooked, their preferred brand of toothpaste, and a hundred other idiosyncrasies. But there’s something missing.

Bottom line, you feel unfulfilled. You know there’s someone better out there who would be more appreciative, more attentive, more supportive — and you yearn to spend time with them.

In fact, you already have someone in mind.

Someone who gets you. Someone who appreciates all your nuances and subtleties.

You’re sure if they were your spouse, your life would be an endless merry-go-round of smiles, laughter, and mind-blowing sex.

But there’s a problem.

The old ball and chain.

Your existing spouse is in the way, preventing you from experiencing all that happiness that waits for you — if only that pain in the ass wife or husband wasn’t in the picture.

And that’s when the fantasies start.

How simple it would be . . . if my spouse would simply disappear.

Preferably by accident, and with no one at fault.

From your perspective, the easiest way to fix your life is to have your unwanted spouse simply disappear. No drama. No baggage. No memories of regrettable outbursts and accusations.

It’s the fantasy of the disappearing spouse.

It’s also a symptom. And it’s as serious to the health and longevity of your relationship as financial stress, in-law feuds, and outright cheating.

Wishing your spouse would take a long walk off a short pier so you could replace them with the twenty-something that smiles at you when you drop off the dry cleaning or the insurance salesperson who lives alone in that big house across from the park means you’re not thinking rationally. And the more you think about the possibility, the more it’s an indication that you’ve given up on your current relationship.

Continue to feed the fantasy, and at some point, you may no longer consider your current partner a viable part of your future.

And now, all your energy is going into thinking about a new version of your life — one that doesn’t include your spouse.

It leaves you with one of the most important questions you’ll ever have to answer:

Are you really done? Are you absolutely sure you’re ready to move on?

At this point, I want to make it clear that I’m not talking about those who actually go through with the heinous act of eliminating their spouse.

Thankfully, fantasy does not a murder make — at least for the majority of people.

Yet, there are still many husbands, wives, and partners who imagine what their lives would be like if they could replace their spouse with a specific person they personally know — if their former beloved were to suddenly disappear without a trace.

“But wait!” You say. “What’s wrong with the occasional fantasy? It’s part of being human. Certainly, there’s no harm in just imagining what life could be like with a few changes, right?”

Wrong.

We’re not talking about a harmless daydream.

We’re talking about being distracted by the very real possibility of replacing your spouse. In fact, you’ve become so distracted that you’re not fully invested in your current relationship. As a result, you avoid talking about difficult topics. You argue more and listen less.

And that’s only the beginning.

The next casualty is usually intimacy. But you don’t miss it, because you’ve become complacent. Without realizing it, you’ve reached a point where you now take your spouse for granted, making it that much harder to feel connected and close.

Having similar thoughts about starting over with a different partner?

Here’s the first question to ask yourself . . .

Does your spouse know how you feel?

You don’t have to have made a tell-all confession.

Your actions — or lack of them — can broadcast subliminal signs of insecurity. Your partner may start to believe they’re not good enough for you, or can’t measure up to your expectations. As a result, their self-esteem goes down the drain, and they begin to question the value of the relationship.

At that point, feelings of resentment and a lack of trust begin to emerge. With both spouses adopting a defensive mindset, it’s not long before you find yourself in the express lane leading to separation and divorce.

Here’s the takeaway . . .

Yes, we all fantasize about sex with someone else. But when fantasizing about a different, permanent partner, we are critically comparing our spouse to an imagined ideal.

And if you’re making that kind of comparison, it’s an indication you don’t feel your current partner is meeting your expectations.

At the end of the day, having someone in mind to replace your current spouse is a cautionary tale that can lead to separation and divorce. It’s a sign of emotional detachment and a lack of commitment, and it can lead to feelings of insecurity, a breakdown in communication, and a lack of intimacy.

If you ever find yourself in this situation, keep this in mind . . .

As long as the idea of replacing your spouse is still a fantasy, you have a chance to save your relationship. Sure, separation and divorce is still an option, but so is staying together.

So rather than silently complaining about how the fire went out years ago, think about the life you’ve built together . . . the history, the connection between two families, the commonalities, and the comfort zone you used to enjoy when you were madly in love.

Giving your relationship a second chance sounds daunting. It sounds scary. But in the long term, it has far more potential to make a positive difference in your life than wishing your spouse was caught up in the last mini-rapture, leaving you free to find a replacement.

Thanks for reading,

Roger Reid

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Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is a certified NLP trainer with degrees in engineering and business. Roger is the author of Better Mondays and Speak Up, and host of Success Point 360 Podcast, offering tips and strategies for achieving higher levels of career success and personal fulfillment in the real world.