You Can’t Please Everyone — Not Even After You’re Dead . . .
You Can’t Please Everyone — Not Even After You’re Dead . . .
Afraid of what people will say at your funeral?
It’s a popular exercise in perspective.
Here’s the premise: At some point in our life, we realize our remaining years are limited. We will — sooner or later — leave this world.
The realization prompts us to take a critical look at the way we’re living. And if our current actions aren’t going to encourage others to say positive things about us at our funeral, then hopefully, there’s still time to change our ways.
In larger terms, we’re talking about creating a personal legacy — what we leave behind.
Over the last few years, I’ve done the exercise multiple times, and I have two takeaways:
First, ironically, what I will leave behind will be important to everyone but me. Because at the time, I’ll be lying in a velvet-lined box, my senses off-line, my brain and body stilled by a Creator who took final possession of what was rightly His from the beginning.
Second, however well-intentioned, the goal of creating a selfless legacy to impress others can become an exercise in vanity. Oh sure, we may tell ourselves we’re doing it for others. But what if they don’t see it that way? Don’t think for a second those we leave behind won’t scrutinize our life through a lens of personal bias and prejudice.
“Yeah, he was great guy, but I certainly wouldn’t have made the same choices he did.”
“Sure, he made a lot of money, but look at what he had to go through to get it.”
You can’t please everyone. Not even after you’re dead . . .
“I can’t believe he left all that money to a national charity when he could have donated it to our local food bank.”
It’s an old adage, but it continues to survive the test of time: Trying to live your life to please others is an exercise in futility.
It can keep you working at a job you hate. It can convince you to stay in a toxic marriage. It can persuade you to maintain destructive social relationships. Striving to measure up to personally subjective values — that are not your own — will leave you frustrated, unsatisfied, and worse, often generates feelings of failure.
Before you stop reading because you think I’m too pessimistic or cynical, read the next section carefully.
Life is short, so make it count by making a difference in other people’s lives.
That’s what we’re told.
But those dispensing that advice typically make the assumption that others will actually understand our motives — that our actions will be correctly interpreted, our intentions immediately evident.
The chances of that happening? Slim to none.
More important, aspiring to impress others with our larger-than-life efforts to make a positive impact on society doesn’t allow recognition for all the anonymous acts so many of us do throughout the day that often makes a difference for others, but are seldom significant enough to make the six-o’clock news.
So while the idea of changing your life to ensure a glowing eulogy may be appropriate for some, the majority of high-achieving, goal-oriented individuals view the suggestion as a distraction — a detour that takes their eyes off the ultimate target. Because even the most positive, well-meaning advice is often based on meeting the expectations of others.
The Truth?
If you’re living life at your peak potential, not everyone is going to agree with your priorities.
In many cases, they won’t understand your actions — or lack of them — with the same perspective and long-term view that makes them important to you. And unfortunately, those quickest to offer criticism can often include your family and friends.
And before I continue, I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting altruistic attitudes and actions are unimportant. I’m saying those things are more likely to happen when our personal goals and ambitions are given first priority.
We usually end up far more successful, more accomplished — and more capable of helping others — when we follow the interests that motivate and inspire us, that bring satisfaction and meaning to our lives.
Find out what makes you happy and do that.
Concentrate on the things that move you, influence you, and inspire you to make the extra effort, to work the longer hours, to be more successful — and then take care of those who need your help.
You first, then others. It’s a universal premise based on practical logic.
It’s why airlines instruct you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping your seatmate. It’s why those with a single-minded focus on building a financial fortune often practice philanthropy in the latter part of their life and end up helping others on a grand scale.
Yes, being there for others is an important priority in life. And when your contribution is the result of accomplishing your personal aspirations and ambitions, you’ll likely benefit as much as the recipient — which is far more likely to make the process self-perpetuating.
What about your eulogy?
Don’t worry about it. Someone will say something nice. Someone will send a card. Someone will remember something you did or said that touched them.
And then, in time — in a surprisingly short time — you’ll be forgotten.
It’s your life, after all. So don’t let others make you feel guilty for living it your way.
“And then, she started living the life she’d always imagined.” — Kobi Yamada
Thanks for reading,
Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is a certified NLP trainer with degrees in engineering and business. Roger is the author of Better Mondays and Speak Up, and host of Success Point 360 Podcast, offering tips and strategies for achieving higher levels of career success and personal fulfillment in the real world.
Get the book, Better Mondays, for Free - a chapter at a time. Click Here to read your free copy.